Commanding respect – drawing a boundary about how people are welcome (and not) to treat you – is tricky business. So tricky, in fact, that I don’t do it as well as I perhaps should. Believe it or not, this is a story about my Dad, so here goes.

For Christmas, I gifted both my parents educational sessions to teach them how to trade in the stock market. They had both been grooving along with the sessions until last week when my Dad stood me up without cancellation on not just one, but two different times.

I admit I felt angry. I felt disregarded and disrespected. So, I spoke up.

I told my Dad that I was OK with him not wanting to learn the information but I was not OK with him simply not showing up for his sessions. He could pick up the phone or send me off an email canceling if he wasn’t going to show. I told him I loved him no matter what he decided and I felt that showing me at least as much courtesy as he would with a stranger he’d made an appointment with seemed fair.

My Dad got angry. He felt I was picking on him and, I guess, being unreasonable. He refused to discuss it.

All of this took me back a bit. My Dad is usually so polite, always caring about others and his commitments. Something was going on (something he wasn’t particularly willing to share with me) but I knew I could not, for my own peace of mind, let the situation go unnoticed. I knew it was the right thing to do to state my view.

I have never had the courage to talk to my Dad this way.

I felt unsure if I had done the right thing, but truth is, if he were anyone else but my Dad, I’d have no qualms about speaking up for myself.  But, as my Dad, the whole authority ball of wax kicks in, the talking back to a parent, the honoring your parents no matter what, the big mixed up stories that are the very backbone of how I learned to interface with the world. Yuck.

To be clear, I love my Dad very much and I know he loves me nearly more than Life itself. I value our relationship deeply. But, even in my nervous hesitation in my choice of speaking up, I knew I was doing the right thing for me. It was a growth exercise and I did it.

Do you have someone you need to command respect from today? Are you ready to handle your tricky business? Let me know how it works out.

Together, we are stronger,
Vicki Flaugher, aka @Smartwoman

At the laundry mat this week I had a chance to perform an act of accidental kindness. I didn’t know it at the time, of course, but while I was folding my laundry, I started chatting with another customer. She seemed a little blue, so I kept the conversation light. She had her dog with her and she told me about her dancing career and her travels. She was a very nice person, yet I could tell she had something on her mind. I left that alone and simply spent some time with her as we both went about our chores.

While she was folding her own clothes, she came across a wash cloth the same color as the dozens of sheets I’d been folding and asked if the cloth belonged to me. I told her no, and she asked about the sheets. I explained that they were for my sweetheart’s massage business and she said “I do massage”.  I commented that was nice and then she went on to say “I had a massage table too”. I chuckled a little and asked had she sold it or did she not do much massage anymore so maybe she gave it away. She responded, “Well, it was destroyed when my house burnt down yesterday”.

Gulp. Wow. Silence.

Before I could rush back into the conversation with condolences and comment, she told me that she wanted to thank me for being so kind to her, for speaking with her, for cheering her up. She said I was the first person that she had told that her house had burnt down, the first person she was able to form the words and convince them to come out of her mouth. She stood there looking at me with a grateful smile. Her final comment to me as she grabbed her clothes to leave was to tell me that she felt I was delivered to her that day, to be the one to open her emotions back up so she could face what had happened. More silence….wow.

It was a small thing, to be kind to a stranger. I don’t know that I could handle such an event with the grace and calm she seemed to possess. But I do know that you never know what people are carrying. I do my best to remember this about my clients too. The way you treat the people that come to you may touch them in a way you can’t understand. So, reach out. Be kind. Touch people. It’s very likely to touch you back.

Together, we are stronger!
Vicki Flaugher, aka @Smartwoman

Making friends fast and enemies slow is a little counter intuitive to me. And, it’s completely opposite of how I have lived much of my life. But, since embracing the fast friends and slow enemies model, I have become happier and more successful. Here’s how I see it…

Used to be that I would be cautious to get too intimate and revealing with people, holding myself back, keeping many details of my personal life (my feelings, my point of view) to myself for extended periods of time. You’d have to spend a good amount of effort to really find out about me. It was a matter of deep trust, complete respect, and immediate affinity. Yes, a handful of people took that time to get know me. And, I ended up with a small group of very close friends, all who remain lifetime friends today. I didn’t have many acquaintances or any casual friends, but the friends I did have were golden. My life is blessed to have those valuable people in it still

On the enemy side of things, I had a fast trigger (enemy is perhaps too strong of a word, but if “non-friend” works better for you, then sub that). My behavior was a protection and coping mechanism. I’d  pull away as soon as I had any clue that something bad could happen. Tuck and roll at the first sign of danger. I didn’t have to do this that often, but being the type that typically led with the benefit of the doubt, I felt more comfortable knowing I could take kerosene to any bridge I’d built and get away fast and safe. It worked, but it was tiring to maintain and easy to make judgment errors as to people’s motives and actions. I’m sure I probably let some relationships go that could have been beneficial to have. I was essentially a seek and destroy style of person.

The change came for me when I was successfully able to quit a job without destroying the relationship. That had always been hard but I made a commitment to do it and it worked. I decided that I wanted to maintain that bridge, even though I did not particularly care for the person I worked for. We weren’t going to be friends, but I saw no reason to be enemies. Not only were they powerful and connected in the community (i.e. could really damage me if I was on their hate list) but also, that the decision to leave was simply an evolution of my Self, not really anything they had done wrong (although, they still had been a bit of a jerk). I was maturing and it was changing me. That is when it all started.

Bring the story to now – social media has completely changed how I see it. Instead of demanding that the people who “qualify” as my friends be lifetime, perfect candidates, I embrace acquaintances and casual friends. I no longer insist that each friend satisfy all of my needs or desires forever. Some may be a single occurrence, blowing in like a breeze to freshen my world. Some may be an outlet to others, a portal to further relationships. Some may be like a developmental mirror, a metaphorical allegory to get to know myself more clearly. Some may be my divine appointment to serve. I have friends at every depth of emotional commitment – some I’d just say hello to at a party and some I’d give my life for. And, it’s not that I don’t value each person, even the ones that are just casual, because I do, even more than my previous way of seeing it. It’s just that now I approach it like I am weaving a rich, beautiful, universe sized tapestry of love and affection, with each thread and color and texture just one of the pieces of the entire whole.

I see my role now as an orchestrator of joy, expression, continuation, and creativity for all involved - no more seek and destroy, no more judge and jury, no more scientist testing the merits. I do my best to give those that show up and are drawn to me the room they need to give whatever gifts they are meant to and hopefully, I can give them what they are wanting, what I am meant to give them. And, I can say I have more friends of all types and I adore them all. Now, I make friends fast and enemies slow.

So, what about you? Are you a seek and destroy type or a weaver? I’d love to hear your thoughts. And, in case I haven’t said it lately – I’m glad you’re here and are a friend too.

What would your world look like if the new business model is play? What if, like my first private party karaoke host gig, you got paid great money for having loads of fun?

It might sound crazy or even unobtainable, but I am a firm believer in attitude. How we approach the things we do is very important. If you see your work as a joy, something that you are privileged to do, like an interesting puzzle that needs to be solved, or a dance that you have the distinct honor to jam out to, doesn’t everyone benefit?

If building your business is drudgery, a life sentence of misery and pain, what good does that do anyone? Not only does worry and negativity close off creativity but it makes you a grouch. Who wants to hang around a grouch? Oh, maybe you can brag that you are some kind of holier than thou entrepreneur, choosing your hours, “in control”, but who cares if no one ever wants to be with you? I can promise you that no matter how financially successful you get, if you don’t have friends and family, you are doomed.

And the children….what example are we giving our children if work is no better than slavery? Dilbert may be funny, but usually only in an uncomfortable, self-deprecating, fatalistic way. Most people laugh at Dilbert cartoons because they cut. And don’t even kid yourself that your children don’t notice. They notice everything. Is a legacy of dreaded 9-5 the example we want to leave them?

So, I’m throwing down a play challenge. Approach your work like play this week and see what happens. Maybe it won’t make you feel better or more creative. Maybe it will. How are you going to know until you try it? Play at your work like you would climbing a tree – remember how that felt? The decision, the challenge, the determined effort, the puzzle of which way to go, the triumph and exhilaration once you reach the highest branch? And, call out to me when you’ve reached the highest branch you can reach and I will cheer you on for your deed. Do it for the children, ok?

The Carrot and Stick form of reward and punishment has been part of business and employee motivation for a very long time. Some might argue that this form of business motivation is the only way to get quality output. You give rewards (bonuses, raises, good reviews, perks, stock options) for a job well done. You give punishments (demotion, withholding of perks, firing) to those who do not perform to the standard you set. You stick that carrot on a stick out in front of the mule and hope he follows it. If that doesn’t work, you beat that stubborn beast to make it walk faster, plain and simple. The sad news is that science isn’t on your side (although even more sad is that you treat your employees like mules, but that’s a  topic for another day…)

In Daniel Pink’s book “Drive”, he highlights the flaw of carrot and stick. For almost 40 years, scientific studies have indicated that, when there is any – I repeat ANY – form of cognitive requirement to a task, that carrot and stick techniques generally reduce performance, both output and quality. That’s right – if you need a job done that includes any decision making, using a carrot is hurting your ability to get that job done fast and well. In the best case scenarios, it’s doing nothing to improve the results. In cases where the reward was higher, the results were the worst.

Sit with that a minute. Breathe it in. How often do you rely on rewards to talk your kids into things, to get employees to improve sales, to motivate your executives to meet their numbers? How much money is your company spending on incentives when it’s likely hurting your bottom line performance? It’s actually quite boggling when we examine how archaic business practices are for today’s world. We aren’t in factories that require robot performance any more. We have complex businesses that need creative, adaptable people. Those people do not respond to carrots (or sticks either, by the way). And in case you think I am not talking to you and your type of business, think again. This isn’t just anecdotal stuff so don’t blow this off.

As we move into the Conceptual Age that requires intrinsic motivation instead of extrinsic, business practices will have to change. This is one you can leverage today (with little to no equipment or training) to your advantage.

Read the book and see for yourself. Daniel writes a convincing case. Do you think you should give up the carrot and stick?

This week at the Austin Social Media Club, @db, one of the evening’s presenters, used a tongue in cheek porn analogy to comically discuss social media. He showed highly pixelated pictures of beautiful naked women (with the BEST designer shoes anyone can buy) captioned with crowd sourced responses to his question “What do porn and social media have in common?”. I found it amusing. Not everyone did.

Let me say, I don’t think porn is bad. Yes, I am a feminist, but not the kind that thinks being naked, or overtly sexy, or having sex (whether you film it or not) is exploitative. I am speaking generally here, of course, but I actually fall more into the consenting adults can do what they want to category. And, frankly, some porn is hot. If I had a complaint, it was that @db didn’t include any beefcake pictures to make the analogy more accessible to the women in the room. I mean, these pictures weren’t of anyone doing sexual acts – they were of naked women in high classed fantasy situations. And, again – the SHOES! Wow.

Some women in the audience complained that the pictures were offensive. Some other people (both men and women) complained about the f-bomb usage in the presentation. Again, I didn’t agree. I was able to look past any potential offenses, as it appeared to simply be @db’s style rather than a verbal affront, and listen to his message. And what a message it was!

Perhaps @db could have chosen a different approach, but he was brilliant, simply brilliant. I approached him after his presentation and he was friendly, accessible, very well connected, and a super nice guy. He made many relevant and helpful comments that I will put to use in my social media and I hope to meet up with him again. I liked him a lot.

So what about you? Does porn affect your listening? Have you ever been so put off by a person’s presentation style or power point slides that you couldn’t pay attention to the good stuff they were saying? I want to hear how you feel about this. Was @db wrong to give this type of presentation? Time for you to sound off!…

Sometimes online you might want to wander outside your brand. Maybe the latest political issue has you steamed and you want to engage in political debate. Or, maybe a new life passion is bubbling up inside you and the audience or persona you want to create from just don’t fit well into your current brand. What to do? Here are some suggestions:

Consider creating a new website with a new URL

If the new concept is wildly different than your current one, consider creating a completely new website. Don’t attempt to fold in too many disparate ideas into one site. The search engines don’t like it and your current fans will get confused or potentially offended. Managing multiple websites takes a little effort, but it’s not too bad, especially if you have to do what you have to do. Love wants what it wants, so don’t be afraid to break out just because of a little extra work.

To ensure that the two identities online don’t get crossed (like when the ultra conservative moms you cater to discover your 1-900 chat line), be sure to choose private registration for the new domain so your Whois site info is not public or easily searchable.  Be careful where you put your given name or perhaps create a proper legal pseudonym and use it instead. You can do a similar thing by using a company name. Although somewhere your name may come up, it takes a lot of effort to find it. The goal here isn’t to be nefarious but to build in a little distance between your two personas. A determined person will figure it out, so pretty much realize that it’s only a speed bump but these steps will help.

Consider coming clean and living out loud

You can choose to navigate a change gradually and openly or even announce and leverage a radical one. You can use that announcement as a one time publicity stunt or to launch a formal re-branding PR campaign. If, for instance, you use yourname.com as your website and you want the final result of your change to still be the real you, then you have to decide how you are going to “come out” (so to speak).

The best way, generally speaking, to communicate an emotionally driven personal transformation, is to tell an emotionally charged story. People forgive and accept some of the most diverse ideas placed right next to each other when told through a sincere, human emotional story. Take some time to craft your message, explain your choices without sounding patronizing or rationalizing, and drop the pander. Tell the truth and let the chips fall where they may. Have enough respect for your audience to let them decide instead of trying to manipulate them into thinking a certain way.

I don’t want you to believe that you won’t lose some (or even all) of your current audience, but you might be surprised. If you’ve been sincere, explained your situation, and left it to the audience to choose, you could end up with a very supportive fan base who is fascinated with the real you. That’s kinda cool, isn’t it?

What it gets down to is this – just do it. Whether you’re graceful about it or not, ultimately it doesn’t matter. Don’t let what other people might think of you or the past success you’ve enjoyed be a barrier to you expressing yourself honestly and fully. Life is too long to live it halfheartedly. Go for it!

So, do you have an online re-branding experience you can share? How did you do it? What worked and what didn’t? Please comment below!

Do you think original content is dead? Me, not so much, but I’ve been called a dreamer.

I hear lots of people complaining about it – how the Internet is just a recycled, regurgitated mess with everyone parasitically aggregating a minuscule amount of “real news”. This usually comes from someone lamenting the death of traditional publishing or relaying the demise of true journalism. They typically either have relied on and have deeply desired someone else to tell them what to think or have made money off of a tightly controlled, elite vetting process.

Just as often, people are distressed at how our society has changed and are exhausted by the rapid crumbling of many social structures, traditional media being one example. Sadly, I have to say it – that is not going away. The world is different today than when Walter Cronkite was on TV. I wish I could be more gentle, but there it is. You can argue the merit, but it’s hard to argue the case against the fact that things have changed, and in many cases, are not going back to the way they were.

The “real ideas are dead” view, in my opinion, has little to do with the actual newsworthiness (or not) of traditional media, nor does it realistically recognize all the cool info out there on the Internet, much of which is more interesting and relevant than the Big 3 has ever provided us. Yeah, the aggregating sites that do regurgitate are out there, and I don’t much like them either. Frankly, I don’t see the Associated Press as much different. It’s now just a problem of scale – way too much scale.

In all fairness, perhaps you know someone (are someone?) who rightfully has noticed that, on the web, everyone has become a news source, and are, well, maybe just not comfortable with that. That sentiment I get, especially if you favor good grammar and spelling. Just because you blog doesn’t mean you are interesting. Just because you can say it doesn’t mean you should. Even allowing for style and freedom of speech, some people are pretty much crazy and having a podium to encourage their rants seems counterproductive to society at large. All that is a true enough observation.

I take the proactive ground on this debate. I say, if you think no one on the web is making original content, then get thee to your word processor! Become the original source! Do quality research, put a voice to what people do care about, and give us your good stuff. I don’t care if it’s investigative or editorial, just make a commitment to being quotable. Embrace the burgeoning landscape of citizen journalism and be the 21st century version of Walter C, or maybe the next best selling author, or maybe a Poet Laureate. The field is wide open and the fruit is there to be picked. (OK, I haven’t had breakfast yet….I’ll work on my metaphors…)

Here’s my challenge to you and the one I am taking up this week: I am going to go for one full week without referencing anyone else’s material. If I use a picture, it’s because I took it, drew it, or am in it (I know the peacock has nothing to do with the story, but hey, I took it, it’s beautiful – I’ll work on creating more relevant stuff). If I write about ideas, it’s ones I’ve had. If I do video or audio, I helped create it. This is an experiment to see if I can do it. It’s a chance to see if my ideas even have enough merit to be on this page. It’s a chance for us all to put up or shut up.

So, I’m asking you – are you in? Wanna play along?

Embrace your flaws as a marketing strategy? Yes, that’s what I said.

If you feel confused by social media, or get overwhelmed by your business tasks, or maybe yearn for the good ‘ol days when people wrote letters and didn’t know what a crackberry was, then here’s a thought – you aren’t the only one. And, if you’re not the only one, there’s probably a market that needs your help dealing with that very same struggle.

When you identify a flaw in yourself – maybe you see it as a barrier or maybe an old fashioned badge of honor for how things “should” be done – then remember that there are others out there like you. Use the feelings you have to dig deeper into the emotional triggers of your potential clients. Use the coping tools and solutions you find as an example for others. Use your viewpoint, even if you feel it’s something you need to shift, as a starting point for better understanding the needs and work flow of your customer.

Process is everything. By fully embracing your own growth and discovery process and sharing the results (and yes, the struggles and failures) through your online persona, you allow people a bird’s eye look into how you think. Demonstrating your values, becoming one of us instead of a stand offish always right guru allows for others to fall in love with what you do. And, they will even fall in love with those flaws.

Go on, now….go give yourself and all your beautifully imperfect flaws a big, juicy hug. If that feels silly or someone sees you with a funny look on your face, just tell them you’re tweeting. They’ll leave you alone!