Commanding respect – drawing a boundary about how people are welcome (and not) to treat you – is tricky business. So tricky, in fact, that I don’t do it as well as I perhaps should. Believe it or not, this is a story about my Dad, so here goes.
For Christmas, I gifted both my parents educational sessions to teach them how to trade in the stock market. They had both been grooving along with the sessions until last week when my Dad stood me up without cancellation on not just one, but two different times.
I admit I felt angry. I felt disregarded and disrespected. So, I spoke up.
I told my Dad that I was OK with him not wanting to learn the information but I was not OK with him simply not showing up for his sessions. He could pick up the phone or send me off an email canceling if he wasn’t going to show. I told him I loved him no matter what he decided and I felt that showing me at least as much courtesy as he would with a stranger he’d made an appointment with seemed fair.
My Dad got angry. He felt I was picking on him and, I guess, being unreasonable. He refused to discuss it.
All of this took me back a bit. My Dad is usually so polite, always caring about others and his commitments. Something was going on (something he wasn’t particularly willing to share with me) but I knew I could not, for my own peace of mind, let the situation go unnoticed. I knew it was the right thing to do to state my view.
I have never had the courage to talk to my Dad this way.
I felt unsure if I had done the right thing, but truth is, if he were anyone else but my Dad, I’d have no qualms about speaking up for myself. But, as my Dad, the whole authority ball of wax kicks in, the talking back to a parent, the honoring your parents no matter what, the big mixed up stories that are the very backbone of how I learned to interface with the world. Yuck.
To be clear, I love my Dad very much and I know he loves me nearly more than Life itself. I value our relationship deeply. But, even in my nervous hesitation in my choice of speaking up, I knew I was doing the right thing for me. It was a growth exercise and I did it.
Do you have someone you need to command respect from today? Are you ready to handle your tricky business? Let me know how it works out.
Together, we are stronger,
Vicki Flaugher, aka @Smartwoman
The last few weeks I have had the good fortune to attend several community events and they seem to have an overarching theme – moving beyond struggle and prejudice. As I shift my work and move more into woman empowerment advocacy and a bit away from pure business focus, I have had the good fortune to be introduced to several groups, so I want to start to share their info with you.
Beyond Words: founded 14 years ago by Nitsan Gordon–Giles, a professional dance/movement therapy counselor, this is a group that brings together Israeli, Arab, and Palestinian women to heal through movement, touch, and listening. I met Nitsan at a FLOW event last week and she was a gentle, focused and joyful person. She told her story how, as a child, she had to live in bomb shelters, and how she was tormented in US school by the other kids because she was the only Jew. Here is an excerpt from the Beyond Words website about why it’s important to undermine prejudice:
Why is it important to transform prejudices in Israel?
Mainly because as evidenced from our own past and that of so many others around the world, prejudice can lead to incredibly destructive, horrific actions.
Also if the “need” for prejudiced behavior is not addressed, it can be passed on to the next generation. In the Middle East prejudice permeates large sections of the region’s populations and transforming it in Israel is our responsibility as a sovereign state, and is within our reach, and possibilities.
We believe changes begin at home and in the community. As women are educated about their rights and taught to work through their fears and support one another, they realize that their lives could be different. Gradually they become stronger and better able to stand up for their own rights and the rights of their children. As their self confidence and awareness increase they are able to create a more open, loving, respectful and accepting atmosphere in their homes. Consequently their children grow up treating others with more respect, empathy and compassion and realize the many choices they have to solve every problem that do not include aggression and violence.
Because the Middle East is such a “hot spot” involving more than three of the worlds’ religions and much of the world’s supply of oil, the lack of stability in the Middle East affects and endangers the rest of the world and in fact the survival of humanity on this planet. It is therefore crucial to create programs that undermine prejudices and encourage dialogue, justice and a shared society.
READ IN THIS STORY: ITWeb – Gauteng,South Africa
This was one of the main questions raised at a recent series of workshops run in three South African cities for aspiring and current women entrepreneurs in … See all stories on this topic
Women empowerment The Daily Star – Dhaka,Bangladesh
The three successful women entrepreneurs have set an exmaple for other micro-credit borrowers in the country. They had invested the money in some innovative … See all stories on this topic
The wheels of commerce are turning all over the world and every day new groups of women become entrepreneurs. We welcome all of our worldwide sisters!
Together, we are stronger!
Vicki Flaugher, the original SmartWoman
I watched a very sweet and quirky movie last night entitled Lars and the Real Girl. On the surface, the movie seemed like it might just be strange, but the characters and writing and message quickly drew me in. How they told the story and the underlying compassion beneath it is what has really stayed with me through today.
The story is about Lars, a painfully shy, yet very good-hearted man who has been seemingly damaged to the point of no repair by his family history. He lives in the garage apartment of his childhood home with his older brother and pregnant sister-in-law, both of whom care very deeply for him and try to help him overcome his less than fully fuctional state. He has a job, but he is very inept at socialization, and compulsively keeps to himself.
Lars decides to purchase Bianca, a life-sized girl doll, as a companion. To Lars, Bianca is alive and very real. Unlike the more typical uses for an anatomically correct doll, Lars treats Bianca with love, respect, and dignity. He compliments her, tells her jokes, opens the door for her, and they sleep in separate rooms because, being that their relationship is so new, to do otherwise would be a violation of trust. Any woman would yearn to be treated with so much care.
Of course his brother, who carries guilt with him for their childhood years through hard times, goes bonkers with worry about Lars seemingly going off the deep end. The sister-in-law hatches a plan to get Lars to accompany his new latex girlfriend to see the local doctor (who also happens to be a psychologist) to make sure Biana stayed healthy during her travel. The doctor uses the time during Bianca’s “treatments” to help Lars untangle his psyche. The doctor further suggests that Lars is not mentally ill, but rather having a delusion designed to help him work through his childhood trauma. She encourages them all to go with it, to treat Bianca as a person until Lars is able to move on without her.
What ensues is a deeply humorous and insightful journey about attachment (or lack of it), the very human need for companionship, and how each of us uses symbols of some sort to not only cope with our traumas, but also to define who we are in this world. We all have our delusions and we all have a need for acceptance.
Here is a scene where the brother and his wife are telling their church family about Bianca and Lars’ need for understanding:
By the end of the movie, the entire town has befriended Bianca with an unconditional love and patience unlike any movie I’ve ever seen. There are no “kill the bully to get the girl” undercurrents here. No one particularly makes fun of Lars. They seem to buy into the idea that he is working through a healing process. Even if he never “gets better”, he is happier than they’ve ever seen him and is interacting with them more than he ever has before.
I don’t want to spoil the story but suffice it to say, Lars works through his issue and returns to humanity able to love and interact with real people like other better adjusted adults. What seemed like a crazy little movie turned out to be a shining example of a new way of treating each other, a new formula of communicating and sharing.
Your first response to this story might be to reject it as unrealistic. Bullies are a given in this dog-eat-dog world and everyone makes fun of those who are different, right? It’s just human nature to be competitive….right? I don’t happen to believe that, but maybe so.
So, how do we create change? I think our world changes, in part, by movies like this. To see such a well done representation of love in action moved and inspired me. It touched my heart because I long for this type of world. And, when people are moved and inspired, they act differently. They change.
So, finally, we arrive at our business. How can we effectively change our world in a way that moves us from war and hate to love and peace? How do we do that through our business? What is our current metaphor, the symbolic story we tell, that defines us and how we conduct our business? What is our coping delusion and how can we heal and move past it?
What is your business Biana, your delusion for coping? What do you choose as your companion in business? Is it stress or worry? Is it food or tobacco? Is it procrastination? Or something positive, yet still a delusion? Would you be able to serve another by understanding their need and allowing for their differences without ridicule? Would you have voted Bianca onto the school board (yes, the story humorously goes that far…)?
Every day, as business people, we are given the opportunity to reach others and serve them. yet often we are focused only on our own viewpoints and needs. When we look beyond the “norm” and truly see another for what they need and how we can help, lives can be transformed. It’s the stories we hold sacred and the metaphors we live that guide us.
What is your business metaphor? How can you soften your grip on your own delusion to move forward in a better and faster way? I challenge you to find out and to do it. Not only is it good business but you will impact others in a way you can barely imagine yet. Go rent the movie and see if inspires you too. Then, go do your thing. Even if this world isn’t idealic yet, do your thing. It makes a beautiful (even if quirky) difference.
Together, we are stronger.
Vicki Flaugher, the original SmartWoman
Here are some of the great stories this week about women entrepreneurs here in the US as well as around the globe:
First, one of my favorite divas and recommended blogs to read: Book Review- Mommy Millionaire By Katie Skow(Katie Skow)
I sincerely appreciate the fact that Mommy Millionaire does not lie and presents women entrepreneurs with the honest truth. While this book is useful for any business owner, this is an especially good read for entrepreneurs who have or … Entrepreneur Goddess – http://www.katieskow.com/
Good news this week: I have had initial conversations with a fascinating woman who now lives in Singapore and is about to move to Africa. She has agreed to be our in-the-field entrepreneur ambassador in Africa. I am so excited that we will start getting live reports from a real person living it now. Great stuff!
If any of you women worldwide are interested in being an in-the-field ambassador for SmartWoman Guides, please contact me. I would like to have at least one ambassador in each country where SmartWoman is read. So, my web stats tell me that we have visitors from Russia, Thailand, Japan, China, Sweden, England, Australia and others. Ladies? Any takers? Let me know!
Together, we are stronger.
Vicki Flaugher, the original SmartWoman
Recently, I had the pleasure of interviewing Joy Chudacoff, a personal coach and sister blogger. We discussed how she’ll never forget that fateful day when, at 28 years old, her boss uttered three simple words to her that would alter the entire course of her work history. Joy’s story of the challenges and triumphs of her entrepreneur’s journey, from her early days 20 years ago to today, will fill you with hope and confidence.
As a coach, Joy has helped dozens of women custom shape an inspired life but they had to be willing to work at it to get there. Joy shared with me the most common issues she sees her female entrepreneur clients face and how they can be overcome. She mentioned the financial hurdles, the need for a support network, the power of working within your strengths, and last but certainly no least, how important it is to allow yourself the time and space to find your true passion.
UPDATE: I regret to inform the SmartWoman Community that I ran into a technical snag with the recording of my interview with Lynn Pierce. The actual recording replay of Lynn and I talking cannot be made available. I am so sorry.
Although it is not specifically me and Lynn together, Lynn has created a series of teleseminar broadcasts, the first of which is on the topic we discussed, turning your passion into cash. It really is very valuable information and if you sign up, you can get many other interviews in addition to that topic. This is the only alternative I have to offer you so that you get the information I had promised you.
I would highly recommend that you afford yourself of Lynn’s generosity and go sign up to hear the interviews. It doesn’t cost a thing and it’s so worth it!
Lynn Pierce, creator of the Women’s Business Empowerment Summit, has agreed to a SmartWoman Guides exclusive 60 minute tele-seminar event on Wednesday, June 25th at 5:00 PM PST.
Lynn will be discussing how she created the Women’s Business Empowerment Summit and what the theme and focus will be for this year’s event. She’ll be telling us about her 7 step approach to turning your passion and expertise into cash. She’ll be giving us her unique perspective about effective product creation, and share with us some very convincing statistics about why women fail and succeed in business.
As a member of SmartWomanGuides.com, you can attend the Women’s Business Empowerment Summit at a deeply discounted tuition of $497 for all 3 days.That’s a 50% savings off the publically advertised lowest price. SmartWomanGuides.com was one of only five websites authorized to make this offer, so if you don’t win the free tickets, you will still have the opportunity to take part in this at a great price.
I need to know: What kind of female entrepreneur are you?
Do you create physical products? If so, what are they?
Do you own a service or consulting business? If so, what service do you provide?
Do you have a MLM (multi-level marketing) business like Airbonne or a distribution business of some sort? Tell us all about what you promote.
Do you own a manufacturing facility? What do you make?
Are you an internet business woman, using affiliate revenues and internet marketing to build revenue streams?
Are you a celebrity or author or speaker building her brand? What’s your message?
Are you a stay-at-home mompreneur or WAHM?
Have you taken leadership of the family business? What does it do in the market place?
Are you a Dilberta in cubicle nation, secretly planning her escape, whose entrepreneur’s heart is full of hope and promise?
Are you an advocate or activist or politician?
Are you an inventor or artist or something else I haven’t mentioned yet?
Here’s your chance to sign on, get a link from our site leading back to yours, and share with us what you do.
The reason I want input is, one, I am curious and two, I recognize that women entrepreneurs are not a monolithic demographic. Although we have many similarities, the sub-segments of us all have different needs and goals. I, for example, do not have children. Although I can try to imagine the needs and concerns of a parent, I don’t truly know. I don’t have to make those sacrifices, nor do I get to experience those joys. I haven’t ever lived there.
I am a true believer that together we are stronger. It’s not just my motto, it’s my mantra. I find our differences interesting because I am a constant learner. I need other people, and specifically other women entrepreneurs, to understand my own entrepreneur’s journey. It gives me context and new ideas. So I am asking for your help for a selfish reason. I need you. I need you present to understand myself. My rewards in life are only complete if they are shared.
So, what do you say? Post a comment about what you do. I know you’re out there. Would you share with me and with all of us? I’d love it if you would.
Together, we are stronger.
Vicki Flaugher, the original SmartWoman
I confess I have an agenda. I am passionate about connecting with and empowering women. Not just any woman, but the 35-55 year old female entrepreneur–what I call the “Emerging Woman Entrepreneur”.
I am often asked ”Why just 35-55 year olds?” and “Why just entrepreneurs?” and of course “Do you not like men?”. Fair questions and here are my answers.
Women go through a dramatic life change during the 35-55 year span. I call it the “Second Coming of Age”. It’s like a redux of puberty, with all the incumbent insecurities, questionings, and discoveries. (Read about it in New Passagesby Gail Sheehy, and Marianne Williamson’s latest book The Age of Miracles: Embracing the New Midlife.) I personally have experienced it (and still am) and I have not yet met a woman who hasn’t. It’s not imagined or just a physiological result of the onset of menopause. It’s a spiritual, emotional, and psychological awakening.
Myself, I began at about 38 years of age to deeply examine all aspects of my life. At the end of my contemplation, I chose to get divorced, quit my high stress corporate job, travel, and finally, embrace my entrepreneurial calling. And, for the first time ever, I felt free and in control. I wasn’t quite sure what to do with those feelings, but they were fully there.
The essence of my quest came from asking what I wanted. I quit focusing on pleasing others and came to terms with what I wanted my life to be. Life began to seem too short to compromise anymore. So, I stopped, and it opened up a whole new world of choices that I now have before me.
I see many women who have followed the societal path of being an employee when they weren’t really well suited for it. The joy that honoring my entrepreneur inside gave me was something that had to be shared. And I knew that other women who hadn’t found theirs yet needed encouragement, especially during the sometimes dark days of their Second Coming of Age. I hope to offer that encouragement.
Lastly, I love men. Seriously. I enjoy the way they think and I appreciate how they see the world. (They go through their own awakening, but that’s another story). In the same way that I am not a mother so I cannot fully understand their mindset, I too cannot fully understand and speak to men’s needs. So, I stick with what I know and can speak honestly about. Ultimately, all are welcome here who seek to understand or can relate to what we’re discussing. It’s an open door.
I hope this sheds some light for you. What do you think? Have you experienced this? Please share your own stories-I Iove the value of sharing.
Famous In Your Niche: Building Your Digital Reputation For Fun and Profit by Vicki @Smartwoman Flaugher helps you stand out as the go-to person in your field.
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Commanding respect – drawing a boundary about how people are welcome (and not) to treat you – is tricky business. So tricky, in fact, that I don’t do it as well as I perhaps should. Believe it or not, this is a story about my Dad, so here goes.
by Gail Sheehy, and Marianne Williamson’s latest book 
.) I personally have experienced it (and still am) and I have not yet met a woman who hasn’t. It’s not imagined or just a physiological result of the onset of menopause. It’s a spiritual, emotional, and psychological awakening.
