Verbal abuse is destructive. Verbal abuse in business, or life, or really anywhere, is hurtful. And, it’s debilitating. Allowing someone to degrade you, insult you, demean you (with and/or without physical contact) has long term, insidious impact. It’s certainly not something we’d want to teach our daughters, yet many of us remain in relationships that include this abuse. We feel trapped and we know, deep inside, that it’s not the best way to live.

I have lived through a verbally abusive marriage. I tolerated my husband’s caustic words because I thought I was supposed to accept, tolerate, and endure. My self esteem was very low. I thought I was just supposed to tough it out, turn the other cheek, and ignore the insults. I turned off my emotions and slogged through, doing the best I could to put on a happy face and not stick out too much.

At a certain point, it was all just too much. I had a moment of epiphany that changed everything. And, I got out. It was a long, painful process, but I got out. You can listen here to me describing that epiphany moment if you wish:

Now, I have healed enough to accept my own role in the situation and to make better choices going forward. I don’t blame anyone else. But, as someone who has felt the sting of this issue, I now see examples of it everywhere. And, I am committed to awareness.

Let’s think about the places verbal abuse exists now – why do we allow the media to casually banter about the words stupid, idiot and Nazi? Why do we tell young boys to toughen up and learn to fight back to the bully on the playground? Why do we think that a boss yelling at us is just part of the job? Why do we stifle our dreams because we are told we’re crazy, an unrealistic dreamer, or worse too screwed up to ever follow through on something that important because we’ve never done anything right before.

We tend to look past these every day examples, explaining it as “how it is”. I have seen both sides of this and I can tell you, it’s not how it is. It’s how we choose it to be. We all have the power to begin to ratchet down the histrionics and choose differently – choose more kindly. When we accept our role in pervasive verbal abuse, we can begin to shift away from it. The massive amounts of energy being used to defend and protect ourselves begins to become available for creativity and fun. The change starts with us.

So, next time you write an email subject line like “You’d be crazy not to take this offer” or you decide that fear based marketing “Do it now or you’ll always be a loser” is the best approach, I am asking you to reconsider your technique. The next time you call someone a moron because they don’t agree with your political position, check yourself. Imagine a man calling your daughter an idiot. Imagine her making the choice to tolerate the insults because she saw you participating in that. See it forward and I suspect you will reconsider your need to spew.

I watched TVLand’s “She’s Got the Look” show last night. It’s a new reality modeling competition for women 35 and older. Hosted by Kim Alexis, one of my supermodel heroes back in the 70′s and no youngster herself, the show was fun. And, I was personally inspired by it. (You can got to the TVLand website and see all the semi-finalists’ profiles.)

First, the women were amazing. They radiated an inner beauty and confidence that can only come with age and life experience. I saw mothers with five children, pushing toward (and some already pushed past) 50, who were strutting their stuff and glowing with poise and sexiness. And this inner beauty and demonstrated personality were what the show creators were looking for. They were looking for “the whole package”. They didn’t want a cutie pie young thing–they wanted a woman.

Beauty pageant, reality show love/hate, and feminist issues aside, these women demonstrated courage to me. Many of them were brought to tears in telling their story of overcoming hardships, being on the other side of raising their families but still wanting more, or just plain throwing caution to the wind and following a lifelong dream. It was moving and I loved it!

One of the repeating messages to the women from the show judges was to be their natural selves and to fully embrace their flaws. Many were sent home for being too traditionally beautiful or for striving for perfection rather than uniqueness. Many were sent home because they seemed fake and insincere. Only a few were sent off for lack of confidence. Why? Because each one of them had it in spades!

How does this apply to your business as an entrepreneur? It’s easy to see, isn’t it? Be real, be yourself, give your unique gifts, embrace the weaknesses because they make you YOU. Also, you will be judged,  you will be selected (and cut) and there will be others showing up to take a spot at the table too. You might even get rich and famous along the way, but win or lose, you will have a life changing experience.

I did an interview today with a secret celeb (don’t worry, I’ll reveal the interview this weekend) who said that the biggest challenge most women entrepreneurs have is lack of confidence. I admit I have suffered from it myself. But, I do recognize that self-confidence is a trait worth developing and I spend time at that. Healthy self-esteem will take you farther than any capital, skills, training, or good idea, so it’s worth concentrating on.

So,  go look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you are beautiful. Affirm your intelligence. Claim your fierce self. Testify to your business brilliance. Know that the world needs the unique things you offer. Believe it because it is true. At every age under any circumstance, just go strut your stuff, ladies-the world is your runway!

Together, we are stronger.
Vicki Flaugher, the original SmartWoman